Forgiveness, Family, and Finding Your Place: Lessons from Maria’s Journey

John Marshall | 00:07
Welcome to the Humanity of Homelessness. I'm John Marshall, and this is a podcast from Church at the Park in Salem, Oregon. Since 2007, Church at the Park has created community with our neighbors living outside. Today, we get to offer collaborative navigation, emergency sheltering, workforce development, and supported housing for our neighbors in need. In each episode, we hear from a member of our community who is experiencing or has experienced homelessness. We invite them to share their story in their own words so that they and we might remember their goodness, their courage, their hope, and their humanity. You can find this podcast wherever podcasts are found, and it is helpful to us if you subscribe and share episodes that inspire you. Thanks to everyone for tuning in and joining us as we celebrate good news in the hardest, most unexpected places. In today's episode, we get to hear from Maria. Maria is a member of our staff serving in a couple different roles over the last few years and now leads us as our director of programs. Her own story is packed with a sort of lived experience that allows her to understand the realities of our community and help our team design really effective services. She's a human with a ton of empathy and patience, and I have met few humans in this world who possess a greater capacity to tackle a to-do list and get a project done. She is very much a human worth knowing. We hope you enjoy. Maria, welcome to the podcast. Thank you for saying yes to being interviewed and for being willing to share some of your story. How are you today? I Excellent.
Maria Madariaga | 01:40
Am doing well.
John Marshall | 01:43
What has been the to-do list this week? What have been some of the tasks that you've gotten.
Maria Madariaga | 01:46
Done? Man, there's so much. It's a very long list. I now transition from like an actual book to a more digital version of my to-do list.
So far, I'm still trying to figure that out.
John Marshall | 01:59
That's number one, is figuring out the change.
Maria Madariaga | 02:02
All right. Yes.
John Marshall | 02:03
Well, again, I'm really glad that you're here. I have had... The privilege to hear bits of your story in different contexts. I know many of our other community members know your story more intimately. At every point. All I've ever experienced in my own self and in others who know you well is this deep sense of awe and admiration for who you are and how you show up in the world and how you have come from a place of really significant pain and have transformed that into... The work that you do, the life that you have today, which is really dedicated to loving other people well.
So I'm just really grateful that you're here and want to celebrate. The fact that I get to interview you. I will want to get to the point where you share a little bit about your role at Church of the Park and what we're up to, but before any of that, I really just want to... Give time for your own story. I'm wondering if we can just start a childhood.
Like, where did you grow up? What was it like to be a kid?
Maria Madariaga | 03:02
Yeah. So I grew up in Los Angeles, California. I was a very...
Well, when I remember being a kid, it brings up a lot of really good memories. I really enjoyed being a kid.
Yeah.
John Marshall | 03:18
Some of what I've heard you share about childhood is that in the midst of goodness and play, And the normal childhood experiences, you had to grow up really fast because of what home was like and the environment that you grew up in. So can you share like how what were the things that were causing you to make sense of your place in the world? And what were you responding to and finding your role in your family?
Maria Madariaga | 03:48
Yeah, well, when I got the opportunity to be a kid, I got to do all kinds of Kid stuff, you know, I was outside with the neighborhood kids. I really like playing Barbies. That was my best pastime.
And then when it got to be like being inside of the home, I think that's where things got a little bit more challenging for me. Just, you know, learning early on in my childhood that there was domestic violence in my home was one, a really hard reality. And two, it was really hard to navigate through domestic violence. It definitely never got easier. How Yeah, I remember being around like four years old when I first realized that there was domestic violence in our home.
John Marshall | 04:23
Old were you when you first started making sense out of domestic violence?
Maria Madariaga | 04:36
And it was actually like, if I look back, if I think about my childhood, it almost feels like that's where my switch kind of turns on. That's where my movie starts. And I remember I was sleeping and I could hear like really faint crying in the background. And I could hear really loud thumping. And so. I get up from bed and I open the door, you know, but I, as I'm like, as I remember walking to the door, I... Remember feeling that gut feeling of like, Don't open the door. But I do open the door and so when I open it, I see like what's happening and it's like my mom on her stomach on the floor and my daddy's kind of like crouched over her.
So he's just like slamming her head against the arch of the walkway. They don't see me.
So I just I closed that door pretty quick. And I realized my sister's awake. And so she just says, go back to bed. And I go back to bed. But that's when I first realized that it was happening.
John Marshall | 05:45
And just you and your sister or any other So how did you two begin to cope with that reality now that you knew that it was in your house?
Maria Madariaga | 05:47
Siblings? At that time, it was just my sister and I.
Yeah, we didn't name it. We actually didn't even talk about it. My sister was very much like she kind of just closed herself off. And so it was as I was like experiencing this, I think what became really hard for me is that I didn't have somebody. I didn't have anybody to bounce it off of. There was like nobody to talk to about it. We knew it was happening, but sometimes I was actually unsure if she knew it was happening just because we wouldn't name it, you know. And so I just kind of like I just lived it.
You know, there was no coping. It was, I was dealing with it. And I was, one thing that I really made sure of is that I had to see it. I had to see what was happening. I didn't try to go hide. I went and I confronted the situation every single time. And so that was my way of coping with it, just... Being present.
John Marshall | 06:48
Does that mean that what you attempted to do as a four-year-old even was... Intervene. Yes. What was the impact then on your place and your relationship and your family and your relationship with your dad? You're a four-year-old kid trying to stop a grown man from being violent towards your mom. Yes. In my own brain, I think, what power does a four-year-old.
Maria Madariaga | 07:09
Have? Yeah.
Well, physically, none. Physically, none. But I do... I think that I became my mom's defender. And so anytime... A fight was going to break out. I sensed it. It was like in the air. There was my dad's certain like voice tone, maybe the way that he was walking around. I sensed it. I already knew the signs. And really, there was no I mean, there is no valid reason no matter what. But there was when I would look at it, I'm like sometimes it was over us missing a towel, a hand towel in the bathroom. But I knew the telltale signs beforehand. And so as I became my mom's defender, I would already start preparing for that. I remember that I would start like dusting the table or I would start fixing my mom's little decorations that she had around. Because as a kid, what I would think is, well, when this is done, the last thing I want my mom to do is have to worry about cleaning. Right.
You know, and so again, physically, when the fights would happen, I didn't have a lot of power, but it did feel like I had to grow up in for an hour or two, however long it was, I had to grow up and. When it was over, it was like I was back at being a kid and I had no voice. I had to listen to what my parents were asking me to do, you know? And so it was a really weird balance. It was a really weird balance from like turning on that kid that had to grow up and then turning that off and going. Getting back into a kid role.
John Marshall | 08:47
A few minutes ago, you mentioned that there was really no one for you to bounce your emotions off of and who is there to absorb your own pain. And so as I'm listening, I'm just thinking, no kid. Should ever experience that childhood. But not only did you experience it, you had to survive on your own and to care for your own self.
So what in the world did you rely on for resiliency and hope? And how did you survive oscillating between growing up for an hour and returning back into life? A.
Maria Madariaga | 09:19
Kid. Well, I relied on a lot of my mom. On my mom? And her love. She would, we would never... Dive into like, every situation. But I would be the one that would sit with her every time my dad was packing his stuff to leave, because after a fight, that's what would happen. He would pack his stuff and he would leave for a day or two. And so for me, who gave me a lot of hope that things were going to get better one day was my mom. And so and like growing up, my parents were very firm and not only like making sure that we were good kids and that we knew respect and that we knew values, but that we had religious beliefs. And so that was something really big for us. Every Sunday we would go to church. And so I knew that there was a higher power that could help us out of it. And so I think a lot of times I would find myself just, you know, even if it was a small, like little, like, hey, can you help us through this? Or can you get us out of this? I always knew there was more than just us. And so it was my mom and it was faith.
John Marshall | 10:25
Yeah. So take me into your teenage years.
Yeah. Did this family home dynamic continue into those years? What was the ongoing... Impact and storyline as you grew.
Maria Madariaga | 10:37
Up? So if I'm looking at like when I'm between like 4 and 11 years old, maybe up to like nine years old, I believe. I like this was almost our every day. Finally, somebody calls the police and that's because things had gotten pretty escalated during a fight and my dad got shot. Not distracted, but he ran to the kitchen to go grab a tool to come back with my mom with. And so in that little gap, I was able to help my mom get up. And I helped her into the bathroom. She runs out through a very small window that I'm like, you know, if I remember that little window, I'm like, man, how did any adult fit through that little window? But my mom runs out through the window and she manages to get a hold of the neighbor and calls the police.
So eventually... My dad is removed from the home. We actually end up in foster home for a while. And while, you know, everything's being dealt with at home, And so that's kind of like where the start to the domestic violence, like that's where it starts kind of like de-escalating. And eventually we come back, we, you know, we come back together and there is, there's still fights and they do become escalated to the point where my dad would maybe like throw a kick, maybe throw a punch, but it wouldn't get to the point as it used to be before.
So that's where things start. The domestic violence starts. Getting better. My parents do end up separating and filing for divorce when I was 12 years old. And so then that's when like, For me as a kid, Even though this was not normal, It was stability, you know, having my dad at home, having my mom at home, having a routine of, you know, knowing when we're going to go to sleep, when we're going to wake up, what tomorrow looks like, who's going to be there, right?
Like, All of that meant stability for me. So when my dad finally leaves home, I lose the stability. And so that brings a whole different cycle for me.
You know, it's no longer the domestic violence, but now it's almost. A phase of like trying to deal with my past at the same time that I'm trying to heal. Which doesn't happen in a very healthy way for.
John Marshall | 12:54
Me. So if you are willing, share with me what that means. How did you deal with that new instability and what were the ways in which you sought to replace the lack of consistency and relationship and rhythm with your own coping mechanisms?
Yeah.
Maria Madariaga | 13:12
Well, I feel that at that time, I just, my mental health was not great. I wasn't dealing with anything. And my parents and myself did start going into like therapy, but that's because of the behaviors that I was showing.
So I start like running away from home. I start getting into fights at school. My grades start, you know, they just start getting really bad. I'm getting in trouble all the time. And, you know, I'm not going to lie to you. I realize that this is just a way of me dealing with things and me trying to cope with my reality. I'm feeling like a sense of like, I'm not worthy. I'm depressed. I'm anxious. And I'm just, I'm trying to fill an emptiness that I have in me and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to fill that emptiness because I didn't know that self-worth comes from yourself.
You know, I'm thinking, somebody gives you that. Somebody has to fill that and make you feel that.
So for my parents, I start becoming like a... I think like a problem.-
Sorry. I am. I start to become a problem for them.
So they, you know, I end up now... In juvenile hall, on probation, in and out of juvenile hall, And so part of the court request was that, you know, I had to go to therapy and start, you know, and deal with my behaviors because at this time I'm not like openly sharing what. I'm dealing with. And the trauma that I'm dealing with. Don't We started going to therapy, but I remember that the things that my dad and my mom would both say was just like...
You know, all the definition of like somebody that's not worth. Attention or love. And I could hear a lot of confusion in them. They didn't know. Why? I was the way I was.
So that was really hard. You know, everybody around me. My parents, the court system, child services, school, everybody had this like... High expectation of me, right, to change my patterns and show different behaviors and stop, you know, feeling suicidal and, you know, make sense of my mental health. But I was like, I was full of anger. I didn't know like. How to change or even like why to change. If nobody else around me had to change, you know, my mom didn't have to change her decisions. My dad didn't have to change his decisions, but I was expected to. Change all of it, you know? And I think that the fact that there was no... Accountability made me really upset.
You know, and so... As I'm going in and out of juvenile hall and my dad's no longer in the home and my home structure changes, I no longer feel, one, safe in my home and I don't feel like I even want to be there.
You know, I was just angry. I was angry at my mom. I was angry at everybody. And so I start running away from home. And that became my pattern.
Like, it's just me running away. You know, if I knew I was going to, I don't know, be detained and go back to juvenile hall, or if I knew that my mom was going to go to my parent-teacher conferences, like, I just, that's the way I start dealing with things. I just start running away. And in me running away, I start finding comfort and finding self-worth in another human being who I didn't realize was equally as broken as me. And so, and he's dealing with his own things in his own ways. And so as I start running away, I find myself, you know, every time it looked different.
Sometimes I was couch surfing, you know, in strangers' homes. Sometimes I was couch surfing with people I knew.
Sometimes I was sleeping in a car. Sometimes I was sleeping in a mattress by the railroad tracks.
Sometimes in a grassy area on the sidewalk. It always looked different. But the challenges that came with it were always the same. It was always me being alone. Either cold, hungry, thirsty. But the two biggest things that remained real through all of that were that I was still, I still didn't feel like I had a place where I belong. I still didn't feel love. And I still, my mental health was still the same.
John Marshall | 17:46
As I listen to that chapter of your story, I'm thinking about times that I've sat with members of our own community who've shared similar storylines in their own life. And one of the themes that sometimes bubbles up in those conversations is this desire to regain control and agency over reality, that is in some way what but we're, you know, So quick to call problematic behaviors is this attempt to respond to a world that doesn't make sense, that is failing us in ways that feel like I have control because I get to make my own choices and I'm not, I don't have to listen to the adults in my life telling me things that I don't want to hear. Don't seem to apply to them either. Is that. True for your own experience that there was in some way a search for control over the world, over your own. Reality. And I'm just curious if there were ever points where life did start to make more sense and any places where your sense of inner value became more real to you.
Maria Madariaga | 18:52
Yeah. I definitely felt that very much. I wanted control. I wanted control over how I was being impacted, what I wanted to be a part of. What was very real at the time is that I actually had, you know, what I would hear is, again, that expectation for me to make better decisions, for me to make different decisions and change the patterns. But what was real is that I actually had no control over that. The system did, right? My parents did because I was still young. A kid at that time. Right.
Like it's hard. It's hard to be held accountable, but actually not have the tools to be able to do that because you were, I don't know, judicially involved maybe. And so the court system gets to say where you go, what you do, what you get to be part of and what you don't. Or somebody setting like the rules or the boundaries around it. Right.
Like when is it OK for me to go to therapy to deal with my trauma? And it was usually okay if it was mandated by the court. But if it was something that I was yelling out loud, hey, I want to heal, we didn't have the resources for it.
You know, sometimes we're, I don't know, we don't have resources. The insurance for it, right?
Sometimes there's not enough resources to give you that support. And so that was a challenge, knowing that I want to control and knowing that I needed help, but not always being able to be the one that can make that decision for myself, because there was more to that decision. There was other people and other systems involved.
So that was definitely one upsetting and two, it was a challenge for me. Yeah. What was the other piece of your question?
Sorry.
John Marshall | 20:35
Well, my curiosity is around the places where your sense of value begins to shift. And One of the parts of your story that you've been vulnerable to share with me in the past is that It's around this time in your life where your own family starts expanding. Yes. And you become a mother. And so I wonder if this is a place where you can share, did now having another human to care for begin to change anything for you.
Maria Madariaga | 21:03
Yeah, I in the middle of me, you know, running away and just dealing with things the best I could. I become a mother. I become pregnant. I'm still in and out of the juvenile hall system. And I actually end up finding out that I'm pregnant while I'm in juvenile hall.
Yeah. And I think that moment for me was actually very exciting. It was very exciting. And I actually remember that even for my parents, even though I was a kid, I remember that gave my parents hope. And I remember my mom saying like, this is what's going to change for you.
You know, this is what's going to help you open your eyes and just change your patterns. And that felt true to me.
Like I was trying to find the attention and the love and the self-worth in all the wrong places. And so for me, when I become pregnant and I become a mother, I'm like, this is the one person that is never going to leave me. This is the one person that is always going to be consistent. And that is going to give me as much love as I need to give to them. And so for me, it was a very exciting point of my life, even though I was 14 years old. It was the best time of my life. I think one of the best decisions that I made, you know, and that I had control to make.
Yeah. And so when I do have my son, things start shifting a little bit. I, you know, I have my son. I, of course, change, you know, some of my patterns. And I think for me, that's where I finally get to a point of like, I have to do something different and not for everybody else, but for me. And so I start forgiving. The people that I felt created so much trauma and so much hurt for me without them actually asking me for any forgiveness or acknowledgement. It's just something that I like. I remember sitting with that and saying, like, I'm going to let go of this and I'm going to forgive everything that happened because how I seen it was this. This actually impacted my life to make me a better person, you know. And so that's the way that I chose to see it at that time. And so it starts, you know, I have my son and only a few months later, I'm pregnant again. And nine months later, actually, seven months later, she's born and I have my second child. And through all of that, the struggles that come with that is me trying to now be an adult. Be a mom, still a kid in high school. And that was a whole challenge in itself.
John Marshall | 23:41
Yeah. So what was high school like for you? As your kids are bringing new life and hope. And maybe... A stability of relationship into your story. Does the rest of life get easier then through high school because of that or?
Maria Madariaga | 23:57
No, it actually gets challenging, very challenging. I end up officially moving out of home and I move in, you know, with my kid's dad. Again, he had his own healing of his own and had not gone through his own healing process. And so that came with now violence in the home area. There, and a whole different kind of abuse. There was not only like physical abuse, but there was a lot of emotional abuse and verbal abuse, and definitely a lot of instability. And so now I'm finding myself having to get myself to school with my two kids and get myself back home from school with my two kids and study and complete homework while being a parent and studying. And trying to figure out where I'm going to get food for the day. Because again, there was no stability. There was no resources. And it became scary to find resources, knowing what my situation was. And thinking, you know, thinking back of like how I grew up and when the world became aware of our reality, what that cost, you know, and how we were now pulled away from home. And so that's something I didn't want for my kids.
So I would, like my day to day was just, I would get up. I would put my daughter, who was younger, I had two little kangaroo backpacks. I would put one in the front, one on my back. My daughter, I would carry her in the front, and then my son in the back.
And then I would carry my diaper bag on one side. And my backpack on the other. And I would ride the bus to school. And because my home life... Was It was just scary to get back to him. When I would get off from school. I would just, I would ride the bus back home and I would just get off like somewhere random and I would just walk because I didn't want to get back home. And going back to my mom's house didn't feel like an option and I think was a limited option because she was now in a new relationship. And I didn't know how to let go of My current relationship, You know, as hard as it was to navigate through, it was scary to be without it. And I think I finally understood my mom, how it was so easy to fall into this toxic world and know that it's not the best for you or your kids. But you don't see a world outside of that.
You know, you don't see hope outside of it. That was really hard. And I was only 15.
You know? That was really hard to navigate through.
John Marshall | 26:36
At what point do you begin to see a world outside of that reality?
Maria Madariaga | 26:40
I think it was about. 18 years old. 18 or 19 years old. And... It literally was like a, it was, it happened like in a moment.
Like, it was almost like a Slack in the face, you know, like it was that quick. And in the moment that I received that Slack in the face, it's like, man, I don't want this. And there's more world. And that moment actually comes when the abuse just starts getting worse. Really dark. And I remember that I was crying. I was crying and this person, you know, my partner at that time, just looked at me straight in the eyes and said, You know, somebody that... Prize? And humiliates themselves? And humiliate themselves the way that you do. I actually could find around the corner. That was the best thing he could have said to me. I think it was like in that moment. Where he helped me realize that I was making this decision. And that I had control over that decision. And that's what did it, you know. That's what did it. I left that relationship. That was the last time that I... Live with him, that I thought of being in a relationship with him, and I end it.
Yeah, that was really hard. And by this point, I'm now an adult, so I have to figure out, you know, what the next step is. He ends up Taking my kids one day when I was at school, because at this point I was in college trying to do something better for myself.
You know, I started picking up on the hints, you know, like I need to do something different. And so by this point, I'm going to college. I'm actually at school. I'm about to go into class when I get a phone call from my mom. And because we were living back, we were living with her at that time. And she just asked me, like, where are the kids? And I was like, they went to the park. They went to the park with their dad. She's like, you need to get here because... Their clothes is not here. And I didn't know anybody. I didn't drive. And I remember there was a girl sitting in the cafeteria area. And I was like, hey, do you have a car? And she's like, I do. And I asked her if she could give me a ride home. And I got there and their stuff was gone. He had tooken them, and I actually didn't see my kids for a few months, and they Man, as an adult, I realized what potential adulting looked like. And it was just hard to navigate through the system.
Like, that's when I learned like that parents, if you don't have a legal custody through the court, they could just kind of do what they want. They could take their kids to another state and you have no control. I actually didn't see my kids for about like nine months. I didn't know where they were. I hadn't talked to them. I didn't hear anything until I got a summons from a Victorville.
John Marshall | 29:41
Court. So is this your... Ex-partner who took them from your mom's house that day? Is it the courts? Is it.
Maria Madariaga | 29:50
DHS? Yeah, it's their dad. Their dad, he took them. And... Because when I... When I end things... He already... From my perspective, there was already some work being done in the past. In the background, you know, that I wasn't aware of. And so when I end things, he picks up and he goes. And he leaves with my kids.
John Marshall | 30:15
Is that because he had custody.
Maria Madariaga | 30:16
Of your kids? No, he just decided to take them. And so when I did, when I try to navigate through all the court systems and police and all of that, they were not helping. What they were sharing was, you guys don't have a legal custody. You guys don't have legal custody through court, meaning that both of you have equal rights and he can take them as long as it's not out of the country. And that's, and it's legal. And so for me to try to get my kids back, I had to learn how to fill out an application at court and I had to learn how to my rights and fee waivers and all of that, all things that I didn't even understand, you know. And so I didn't I couldn't file anything because I didn't have the resources. I didn't have the funds and I didn't have the knowledge. To even find resources. And so that took, it took nine months before I got to hear back from him. And that was because he did know how to navigate the systems and he ended up summons me to What?
John Marshall | 31:22
He summoned you to court.
Maria Madariaga | 31:23
Thank you. He summoned me to court where he was trying to fight for full custody. Okay.
John Marshall | 31:29
But it sounds like you regained custody.
Maria Madariaga | 31:32
I did. So we actually, eventually we get to face a judge and we got, we both got equal custody, but his addiction definitely got a toll of him. And when my kids start first grade, I just advocate really hard with his mom and say like, It just makes sense for the kids to be with me and, you know, I'll make sure that I let them go on the weekends and see them. And so then we actually come up with a plan between each other. Getting the kids and because again, his drug addiction, it got in the way of him being able to be a healthy parent. And so the kids just stayed with me.
John Marshall | 32:12
So you're on your own. As a single mom with two kids.
Yeah. How long were you living back with your own mom in that situation?
Maria Madariaga | 32:21
The whole time. I was living with my mom from 19 or 18 until I was about 12. Winnie! Two years old.
Yeah.
John Marshall | 32:32
At 22, where did you go?
Maria Madariaga | 32:34
Yeah, I end up moving out. I... Started Another face of a relationship. And I have my two kids with me. That phase in my life was very challenging as an adult. I still didn't know how to be self-sufficient.
Like, I didn't know how to get a job. I didn't know how to interview. I didn't know how to fill out an application.
You know, I didn't know how to do a lot of the things that it would take to start becoming an adult. And so I was in this situation for two years until I think that this is where I find myself. My self-worth and I finally hit that face in my life where I was like, I... I am done. I am done depending on other people to give me stability and to give me love.
You know, I that moment for me was what switched. It was that next switch that flipped on that really helped me. Take a different path in my life for me and my.
John Marshall | 33:37
Kids. Can you name what caused that switch to flip? Why was it that point in your life? Versus all the other opportunities that a flip might have switched earlier. Why was it now? It 24?
Yeah.
Maria Madariaga | 33:53
.. It was because in this situation, I had shelter. I had somewhere to lay my head at. I had somewhere for my kids to be at with me, but I didn't have a home. I didn't have a home. This person was providing the stability. It was their home. And so part of that is that they had the... They had the control. To see... When I could be there and when I couldn't be there. And so it was this constant battle of like getting kicked out.
And then almost getting reeled back in and saying, I'm just kidding. You can be here. And it was that was consistent for the couple of years that I was in that relationship. And I. I got tired. I got tired of not of like not knowing what was next. And I got tired of the abuse that came with that.
And then when my kids had to see and what they had to put up with, where, you know, even for them, it was so much instability. Like sometimes they weren't my mom's, sometimes they were with me because I'm still trying to figure out where, what tomorrow's going to look like, you know? And so it was actually... One of the times that this person kicked me out, they threw my stuff out and my kids' stuff out. And I called my mom and I was like, I don't have nowhere to go. And because now she's in a different situation, just hearing like, You made this decision. And you took your kids and you are impacting your kids.
So now you have to figure it out. I can't. I can't offer you shelter. And so that for me was really like my mom really pushed me to, you know, I think that she, along the way of my whole journey up to this point, my mom, she was really nurturing, but she was really tough. And so she gave me some of that tough love of like always having, always telling me like, you have to figure it out.
And then being able to sometimes, like, comfort me and help me out in her home. But then sometimes having to say, like, I can't do that because she didn't want to enable my decisions, you know? And so When she finally puts her foot down and says, no, you can't continue to make these kind of decisions. You have to figure it out.
So when she says that, it's when I... I finally get control of my life. And I say, okay... I know I have to get out of here. I know I don't want to be here. My kids cannot be here. This is not healthy. This is not secured.
So I create a plan for myself. And, I... Get a job. And my plan is I'm going to get this job and I'm going to make sure that I can sustain this job. For three months, regardless of what happens. If I get kicked out. I'm going to have to figure it out. But I think once I had that plan. I was able to execute that plan. And I passed my probation period at the job. And the day that I passed my probation period, I actually grabbed my pay stubs. I went and applied for an apartment and I got approved. I finally was able to do one thing for myself and really execute that well as an adult. With still childlike thoughts, you know? And so I, it, that's the point where I realize that I can do things for myself and that I can depend on myself for stability and that I am self-worthy and that I can do things for myself. I get to love myself and I get to show up for myself in that. With me doing that for myself, I get to do the same for my kids and I get to show them what that looks like. And so that's the point in my life where... Things start changing.
John Marshall | 37:44
Yeah, this sounds like the start of a brand new chapter. Yeah. Or... Maybe even more significantly, like a brand new life.
Yeah. What are the next five years like?
I mean, how long does it take for your own nervous system to start to acclimate to this new normal where you have a job, you have an apartment? You are dependable for your kids. And like you said, you have this control now, this agency that, as we've talked about, you didn't have at other points in your.
Maria Madariaga | 38:14
Life. Yeah.
So I think that the way up to this, up to that point, the way that I've always dealt with things, it was literally everything was a switch. There was no time to heal. There was no time to cope. There was no time to look back and see like, what would I have done differently? There was no processing in between. Every chapter of my life, I'm able to switch either on or off, you know. At this point... Things do start, you know, again, the switch turns on and I'm like, okay, I'm stable. I'm doing this. And so that becomes really easy. It becomes easy to keep up with the routine. And so things start looking better.
You know, my kids now have stability. They know when they're going to go to school. They know when they don't go to school. They now start getting, like, I get them involved in karate.
Like, there's things that start happening that start becoming easy. A healthy routine for us. And in that stays pretty consistent. I start learning how to adult little by little, you know, one thing that I had to learn and that really came about until later in my life was like learning how to get into a routine of like waking up, having parent like responsibilities. Because for a lot of my kids' childhood, my younger daughter, she was the one that was like, she became like, she started playing the mom role. She would be the one that would wake us up to go to school. She would be the one that was like hurry me up to do her hair. She would lay out the clothes so that we were all ready.
Like she was doing, she had to play the role. I put her in a position where she had to play a role of a mom, and I depended on her rather than her depending on me as a mom. And so there were things that even though we were getting better and our structure was getting better, there were still things that I had to work on because I was still working.
Like a kid in some way, you know, so I had to learn how to mature. And so there was other things that I was working on. But our structure and our stability as far as like knowing that we had a home and we had the resources and we had food on the table like those things were pretty consistent.
John Marshall | 40:25
Yeah. This is The time around the time when George enters, right? Yes. Who is George? What's the significance of his? His part in your story?
Maria Madariaga | 40:38
- Well, George is my partner. And he's been my partner for about 10 years. And when George comes into our lives, we are learning. Again, we have the right foundation, but we lack some of the, as a family, we lack some of the structure. And when George comes in, he helps us kind of build that stability, right? What a Monday through Friday looks like.
And then what are weekends for, you know, just like the very, the small things that we weren't really working on structuring. He really helps bring the family together.
Like he helps us start leading a healthy life, you know, just having routines. And so he just becomes a very important piece in our family. He becomes a reality of what consistency looks like.
You know, the way that he shows up on Monday is the same way that he's going to show up on Sunday, you know. That was consistent because for all of us, you know, for myself as a person, as a kid, as a young adult and as an adult. And now for my kids, one thing that was real is that we didn't really have a consistent male figure. We didn't know how to keep up with a consistent male figure and we didn't know how to include. A male figure in our daily lives. And so when George comes in, he really shows us what it looks like to have a consistent, healthy male figure and how we could include that figure in our day-to-day.
So he becomes part of our family and a very important asset in our family.
John Marshall | 42:14
His inclusion in your story strikes me as this place where the pattern of really broken relationships that you can't depend on, that pattern, that cycle gets broken. And now all of a sudden you have this new experience. And I'm so curious. What the impact on your sense of value as a human being, your own individual sense of worthiness to be loved, how did that evolve? Once George entered the story.
Maria Madariaga | 42:41
Yeah. That was really hard to get used to. It was really hard. As amazing as it is and it sounds, it was really hard to get used to. Because I was waiting for like the... The happiness and the stability and the consistency to end. What I was used to was. The bad things, the bad news, the, you know, things starting good and then they would flip and then now they were, you know, dark. I was waiting for that moment consistently. With George. And so I wasn't getting that. I wasn't getting that. But yeah, I learned. That I did have all the qualities to be loved. And because I had already found my self-worth and I had already found my... Independency and I knew how, What real love was, because I had taught myself that I had learned to love myself and value myself. When he joins our family, it's like he just kind of like he's like a bonus effect to that. But I think now I get to start learning like what it looks like to be loved. Love by a significant other and what that looks like in a healthy way and what a healthy relationship actually looks like.
Yeah, that definitely was a it started off as a switch, but because it was consistent, it has allowed me. To process what that looks like. And I've gone through many, through all the phases of that piece of the healing process.
John Marshall | 44:13
And then this is around the same time that you find yourself working in caring professions, like you're in service jobs at this point, right? Yes. And that really becomes the place where you find what you have to give back to the world beyond just yourself and your family. What were those jobs that you found yourself now serving in? Because this will be the place where I'm really curious. About how your story impacts your place in church in the Church of the Park.
Maria Madariaga | 44:40
Community? Yeah.
Well, I think growing up with, you know, becoming my mom's defender and my mom's, you know, when my mom finally like goes through the divorce, she's in the middle of like her filing her immigration status and all of that. And I really became her advocate through all of that. I helped her prepare all her documents, even as a kid, right?
Like, I knew that I was good at that. I was good at the... At the people piece. And that's something that my mom always helped me highlight, that I was good with people. I just didn't know at that time that there were actual jobs for that.
So I eventually find myself in the social service world. I start working in a non-profit organization, working with adults that have intellectual disabilities. And the focus there was really to help them find a sense of, it was really employment related. Right. But the way that I perceived that was that I was somebody in their journey that could help them find self-sufficiency and could help them navigate through the systems and can help them find a sense of like independence, even if it was for the couple of hours that they were holding a job.
You know, because a lot of them lived in a group home where they depended on others for service or they had to live with their parent because of their disability. And so when they got to work. With me and with the people that I was working with, that was a moment where they got to be self-sufficient, you know, and that was really huge for me. And so this specific field really helped me bring my story in a sense to light where I could put myself back in their position, right?
Like we were coming from two different worlds with two different, you know, traumas and just two different backgrounds, right? All of those things were different, but what was the same is that we had struggles, right? What was the same is that we were still human and that we were all trying to find a sense of, you know, self-worth and self-sufficiency and self and independence. And so I got to bring those skills that I had learned in my life. I got to bring that back in this moment in my life.
John Marshall | 46:47
And was that the job that you held right before moving to Oregon? Yes.
So before we get to that move, because I know you've shared a little bit with me in other contexts, there is healing and resolution to your family story. Yes. And there's goodness there. I just want to make sure you have an opportunity to celebrate and highlight How did your relationship with your dad, your mom, your sister, follow the progression of healing that you were experiencing in your personal life.
Maria Madariaga | 47:19
Yeah. I mentioned that when I was a kid and when I had my son, I learned to forgive without the acknowledgement from anybody. And it actually wasn't until very... Recent that I think that I actually started talking about the things that I went through and how that felt. But as far as like my parents, again, it was like that switch. My parents, no matter what, were my parents. And I always knew that there was a boundary, right? I had to listen to my parents and I had to respect my parents and all those things are real.
So I think that for me, like as far as the relationship with my parents, I think that Because I learned to forgive their decisions. I think that it made it maybe easier for us to build on our relationships. There's been a lot of acknowledgement on my mom's end and we've done a lot of processing together and both her and I recognize like, yes, things could have been different, right? But we both have chose to use that part of our lives to actually make us who we are today and actually use it for better, right? And so my mom and I have a really strong relationship. Talking to my mom about this, I was like, okay, I'm going to do this. On the phone or back when I was at home in Los Angeles, like visiting my mom on a daily basis was like having a cup of coffee. I have to have a cup of coffee every day. I have to talk to my mom every day, even if it's a quick check-in.
So we have an amazing relationship. We have a really strong relationship. And I think it's because not only did I learn to forgive, but she learned to acknowledge and she learned to hold her peace in it. And I think she asked for forgiveness. And so that was really big. That really helped build our relationship. And we have a Awesome relationship with my dad that the healing looked as it looks a little bit different. We have actually never have talked about any situations. But when I learned to forgive and to the social service field really taught me a lot. It taught me that there is mental health.
You know, and that a lot of the factors around like the decisions we make sometimes is due to our mental health. And so it gave me tools and it gave me skills to recognize what my dad's challenges were. And so even though we've never acknowledged that, I decided to, you know, really see things from that end. And, you know, here at Church of the Park, I learned a lot of outward mindset. And so that tool alone has helped me a whole lot. My dad has never stopped seeing us as kids. And I think that, you know, it's throughout all of our journey and all of our life, it's I there's a sense through the conversations that I have with my dad a sense of like. There's definitely a lack of accountability for my dad. And I really don't know if He just doesn't remember. He chooses not to remember. I don't, I really don't know. Bye. It's my dad has always seen us as a kid, you know, throughout all this, throughout our journeys. And so it just it's made it easy to have a relationship because I can lean on that. I can lean on. Being a kid again with my dad whenever my dad's around I become a kid, you know, and my dad loves us a lot He shows his affection so much and we just we have a really good relationship as well he lives here in Oregon and we get to visit him and talk to him and check in on him and you know and he does the same with us He just he checks in and sees how we're doing and how the grandkids are and so we have a pretty close relationship as well. I.
John Marshall | 50:48
I'm really glad to hear that. Yeah. When you move to Oregon, It was to some degree following your sister, correct? Yes.
So you get here. And I, Pretty soon after your move, you land at Church of the Park. But what was that transition like? What brought you here? And what were you looking for when you moved?
Maria Madariaga | 51:10
Well, I think a lot of things brought us here. One, we were, my sister had already moved here and we would come and visit and we literally came in every season. Oregon experiences every season. I thought that only happened like in books and cartoons.
So when we came here and this was the first place we got to see snow. It was just really fun. It was really fun every time we came here. It just felt like the neighborhoods look like the movies that I would watch growing up, you know, and so that was one inspiring and I was like, man, this is what I envision as I think of adulting more and being a parent and just looking at my future. The neighborhoods here and how the community is here is really what I envision for my family. This is what I envision. But what really helped us make that decision is that the organization where I was working, it was closing down. And so I wanted to continue to pursue my career in the field, and I wanted to continue. Experience what Oregon was like.
So when my sister makes the invitation and she says, hey, there are organizations. You know, like the one that you work in Oregon. And I was like, hell yeah, like, let's go. And it was literally we made the decision from one day to another. And it was that fast. I am somebody that has to like when I make when I get an idea in my head, I have to execute it in that moment. Because if I don't, I'm going to change my mind.
You know, I can't sit on my ideas too long. So we literally we made the decision and we got up and we moved.
John Marshall | 52:45
And I'm so glad that you made that decision because. As I think of our Church of the Park community, it's obvious that your fingerprints are all over the shape of who we are. And you've, that's because you've held the multiple job titles in your tenure, but today you are the director of programs. Yes.
So what does that mean? What exactly? Do you do for us and what does your day-to-day look like?
Maria Madariaga | 53:10
Yeah, what I do as a director of programs, I support all of our current programs that are existing. So all of our shelters, our safe parking program, our permanent supportive housing program, we have health navigators who I get to support.
Yeah, so those are the current programs we have, but we are going to be opening up more programs. And so that would be under that same umbrella.
John Marshall | 53:34
As you think about The way that we have grown and the way that we are preparing to grow even more. Where do you find yourself most proud of Church of the Park and most excited about to be a part of the work we're up to.
Yeah.
Maria Madariaga | 53:51
Well, I think that first and foremost, like Church at the Park does a really good job at being intentional about seeing people and building relationship. And I'm really proud that we are able to do that well. And as far as like the projects, I am really I'm really excited to see our like us moving into permanent supportive housing and supporting those that really need assistance with their housing situation. There's definitely not enough resources. For the need out there. And so just being able to expand in that way and expand the programs that we, you know, that our focus is serving those that are unsheltered. I'm really excited to see that come to life.
John Marshall | 54:35
Most people in the world, I'm sure, Only no Church of the Park. For our emergency micro-sheltering projects, can you define permanent supportive housing as something that's different from that? What does that even mean? And do we have any of those programs already?
Maria Madariaga | 54:52
Yeah, we currently have Coral House. So that is a all women complex, where it's really based on one. It's for females. And two, it's an income based program where we get to support people that are on limited income.
So through our program, it's not just to give them, again, an independent apartment where they can live, but we bring in support. So we have case management. We have peer support that come in and really help people continue to build on their life skills.
Yeah, that's what we do currently at Coral.
John Marshall | 55:26
House. When you show up to work, Every day.
Yeah. What are the parts of your own story that you find bubbling up to the surface of who you are and your approach to our work. Where are the places where your own story begins to intersect with the stories of the people we're serving?
Maria Madariaga | 55:46
I think that... I think that it's specific when we are working with those that are currently unsheltered or in our shelter programs. At our family site, I know that plays out very regularly where a lot of our parents are going and the kids are going through similar situations like the ones that I grew up in. And hearing through their stories like a sense of they've lost hope.
You know, some of our single parents maybe don't see that there's a world outside of the world that they're living in. And so and I that's where I see my story and myself just really come back and being able to empathize and understand what they're going through and being able to give them hope through my own journey.
John Marshall | 56:28
Oftentimes when I'm out in the world and I find myself in a setting with other individuals who aren't so connected to the world of social service and low barrier sheltering and. Whatever category of service we want to describe Church of the Park as.
So many of the questions that I get are around, will this problem ever go away? Will homelessness ever be solved? From your place... In our ecosystem, as you look at the way that we've attempted to create really holistic emergency care and human formation and jobs training, and now that we're starting to build into our ecosystem, programs, you know, this longer term avenue of relationship through permanent supportive housing. I'm curious how you begin to answer those types of questions.
Like if you had a magic wand, To solve the issue of homelessness in Salem, in Oregon, in the world, where do you begin to connect the dots of problem solving?
Maria Madariaga | 57:32
I think in our community, with the people living in the community, because I think we can create so many programs to support the need, you know? But when we're not working together, those programs don't hold a lot of foundation. And so I think if we are able to educate our community as far as like, what does it look like to be unsheltered? What does it look like to prevent someone from being unsheltered? And really help the community have the tools to help those that are unsheltered find resources that are helpful for them.
John Marshall | 58:09
Catch in that answer. Is a high degree of value for proximity of relationship. That to some degree this issue, this problem of homelessness doesn't get solved without knowing real human beings and real stories and real barriers. And becoming intimately acquainted with what opportunities exist for people and what don't. And I wonder what message you might give to the world. To those who don't have the sort of relational proximity that you and I have because we're working every single day with real humans experiencing homelessness. What is a misconception of homelessness that you encounter in the world and what message? Are you excited? And desperate to give to the world that might shape a more honest, more accurate story of what it means to live outside.
Maria Madariaga | 59:04
Yeah. I think a misconception is that Everybody that is homeless. Is there because of drugs or it's there because that's what they chose? And what I would ask share and what I would encourage is that that's not true. If we take the time to stop and see that person in front of us and recognize them as a person, we're probably going to learn that there's more to that. And even if that's their reality now, it's really trying to understand who they are. Why that is a reality. Why are they where they're at? And just, you know, everybody has a story. Everybody has a story. And even if at the end of the day, we get to make a decision for ourselves, that not all of us have the ability to feel that. That that's true.
Sometimes that ability is taken away from us. So it's just slowing down and just seeing that person that's in front of you and recognizing that your belief is not what's the reality.
John Marshall | 01:00:07
In that answer, I'm hearing echoes of your own story, your dad's story, your mom's story. And at the places where you were able to reflect, like, not all choices are made equal.
Yeah. And there are moments where I notice it in myself, where I really want another human being to make a choice that I think is good and that I think is right. And I don't always realize whether or not that choice that I want that person to make is even possible or realistic or healthy. Or if they have the tools and the resources. To make that choice in a sustainable way. And I'm so grateful. That you have allowed your story to produce wisdom and compassion and empathy for the people that we're serving, for the humans that we're creating community with. That you have allowed your own story to guide you in your design of our programs to allow people, the agency, and the humanity to make their own choices at their own pace. And I just want to say thank you. Thank you for not letting your story. Keep you from making healthy choices for your own self. Because the fruit is that now you are here. The fruit is that you one day chose to move to Oregon. The fruit is that one day you made the choice to apply for Church of the Park. That starts with... You choosing long ago. To pursue a better life for yourself. And I'm really grateful that I know your story. In this way now.
Maria Madariaga | 01:01:39
Thank you, John.
John Marshall | 01:01:40
Yeah. Before we wrap up, I want to throw 10 kind of rapid fire questions at you. These questions are questions that I am intending to ask every guest who's on the podcast. Just very random and quirky questions.
Sometimes silly, sometimes meaningful questions. Just as a way of knowing more about What makes you the unique human that you are. You ready for those questions?
Maria Madariaga | 01:02:08
I am ready. Okay.
John Marshall | 01:02:10
So question number one. What is the best dessert?
Maria Madariaga | 01:02:15
Banana cream pie.
John Marshall | 01:02:17
Question number two, a genie grants you one wish. What do you wish for?
Maria Madariaga | 01:02:22
I wish. Or, for fear not to exist.
John Marshall | 01:02:28
Question three, would you rather go back in time and meet your ancestors or travel to the future and meet your descendants? The Why is.
Maria Madariaga | 01:02:35
Future. That? Because I can see pictures and learn about those that existed before me, but I'm not going to get to do that for the people that come after me.
John Marshall | 01:02:46
Number four, cats or dogs. Cats. Number five, apples or oranges? Apples. Question six, what is your favorite smell?
Maria Madariaga | 01:02:54
Favorite smell. Ooh, I want to say like a pumpkin spice.
John Marshall | 01:03:02
Does that mean fall is your favorite season?
Maria Madariaga | 01:03:05
No, summer is my favorite season, but I really like the fall smells.
John Marshall | 01:03:09
Okay. Yeah. I dig it. Question seven. What is one thing you would add to Salem to make it better?
Maria Madariaga | 01:03:17
One thing I would add to Salem... I think More... More community, more, I don't know, life in the air. I think that, you know, here in Salem, everybody goes to sleep really early, businesses close really early. And so you don't see a lot of people out and about.
So I would say a little bit more of life in the community.
John Marshall | 01:03:41
We do have an early bedtime here. It's true.
Yeah. Question eight, what piece of advice has helped you the.
Maria Madariaga | 01:03:48
Most? What piece of advice? Yeah, I once got this one piece of advice that actually I've taken with me ever since. And it has been that sometimes you have to pave your own Ooh, I want to say my charisma, my personality.
John Marshall | 01:04:01
Way. Number nine, what is your favorite thing about yourself? And finally, question 10. What is your biggest hope for your future?
Maria Madariaga | 01:04:14
My biggest hope... I, one, want to be able to, Heal of, Anything that I'm still carrying, because, you know, as far as like all my switches, I've never really had process and healed. But I want to be able to do that well, because I do look forward to being a grandma one day. And that's something that I'm very excited and hopeful for.
John Marshall | 01:04:39
I'm hopeful for you as well. Thanks for participating in those and questions. And thank you, Maria, so much for being a guest on the podcast, for sharing your story, for being vulnerable in the way that you have been. I said it early on and I'll reiterate it now. You are a person with a really deep well of resiliency. And you have responded to the events in your, life in some way that has only created an even deeper well of grace and compassion for others. And I know that our community is a more beautiful version of itself because you are here and because of the ways that you love the people around you.
So thank you. For investing in our community and in our people.
Maria Madariaga | 01:05:26
Thank you so much, John.
John Marshall | 01:05:27
And thank you listeners for joining us for this episode of the humanity of homelessness. Thanks again to Maria for her vulnerability and her story and her courage. We hope her life serves as testimony to the rest of us that there is always good news to celebrate in hard places. And that all of our neighbors are worth our time and attention. If you'd like to remain connected with us at Church of the Park, please visit our website at churchofthepark.org. There you can find opportunities to volunteer, subscribe to our newsletter and weekly liturgy reflections, and stay in the know about our current and future projects. We have an online portal for financial giving. If you have questions for us or want to connect for a cup of coffee, we have lots of team members who would love to pay for your cup. Email us at info at churchatthepark.org. Again, that's info. I-N-F-O a church at the park, dot org. Thanks, y'all. Until next time.